Refusal

I refuse to be angry.  I refuse to wallow in self-pity.  I refuse to just stand still.

Unemployment teaches you a lot about yourself.  I know I can excel in a large group but can I be ok with being alone?  I know I’m naturally an extrovert but does that mean I don’t know how to be an introvert?  I know I don’t like not being the one to “bring home the bacon” but can I get past that?

My life is currently in a state of flux: I’m out of school and I’m unemployed because the job I had was dependent on me being a student.  I have the knowledge, training, and heart for youth ministry but I can’t find a place to serve full time.  Neither have I been able to find a part time job doing whatever.  So I find myself continually sitting at home with “nothing to do” as I try to keep a happy outlook on life.

But do I really have nothing to do or am I refusing to see the choices laid before me?  To be honest, if I wasn’t in this situation, I wouldn’t have rediscovered my love of Legos and building with my hands.  If I wasn’t in this situation, I wouldn’t have the time to clean things up around the house while my wife works her tail off at her grocery store.  If I wasn’t in this situation, I wouldn’t be forced to reexamine my views on purpose and marital roles.

(Not going to lie: being a stay-at-home-husband is not how I have viewed masculinity in the past)

In the end, my current state of flux is uncomfortable, weird, and I wish it would go away.  But it is also needed because through this, as long as I continue to refuse to just stand still, I can grow in my understanding of who I am as a man, a husband, and a geek.

Bottom line: I can’t waste my life.  But if I don’t take advantage of this time of unemployment, then that is exactly what I’m doing.  Even if I’m not in a church working with youth, that doesn’t mean I can’t praise Christ in the everyday humdrum.  I refuse to waste my life.

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